The Return

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It’s funny how just one human being can change your perception of the world. You can feel as light as a feather, as if the world could not keep any secrets from you. As if you were invincible. I believe that this is called the power of love. A force beyond explanation. However, not enough people talk about the evolution of love over the years.

At first it’s so magical, the feeling of having butterflies in the tummy and at the same time wanting to throw up because of the overload of emotion. Then comes the first kiss. This seems to stop time and just take away any parasitic thoughts. The first time you share your body with someone else’s. It’s funny how something that can make you feel so insecure at first can be at the same time the cure to daily problems.

Love is an illusion. The feeling of love is however fleeting. It always rubs off. But what then? Routine comes in. A morning hug, a goodbye kiss, another kiss to say good evening and it endlessly. The magic dissipates after a certain period of time and this is the point where we get to see what being in a relationship really involves. It’s more of a commitment rather than anything else. You now are part of an intimacy that involves more than just you. You have to make concessions, have to accept things that truly irritate you for the sake of love and mostly, not to start another fight which will use you.

I was given the chance to be loved. I had a beautiful relationship that I thought was never going to end. It was truly beautiful. The first year was all I could ever wish for. But then, distance. How could anyone bare the thought of having his or her loved one more than 4000 kilometres away? It wasn’t an option but doubt started to settle in. And it was at that moment we entered a spiral that led us to choose separate pathways. He had to continue his studies back home while I had to stay abroad to start and finish my senior year. And to be honest, my relationship ruined the year for me. Always waiting for the other one to come out of class to be able to talk a little, before going back to work. This is when I lost myself, and the person I really was. I started living for someone else, never thinking about what I really wanted. Cancelling events because of a Skype session, or just finding a lapse of time to try to reconnect. Looking back I can see that I was truly unhappy, holding onto the beautiful memory of a past love. However, from august to july we held on. It was like holding onto a rotten rope, which was meant to rupture at anytime.

There I saw what the person I loved had really become. A really selfish person. While I put his needs and desires before mine, he put his studies before us. And it was unbearable never to be able to talk about it in fear of having another fight explode. Then came the problem of families not wanting us to share a home, as we’d always intended to. I was ready to give anything up to stay with him, to be his wife, to carry his children. But he just wouldn’t do the same. He could only plan a day at a time, never wanting to commit to anything. I did try my very best to make him happy, trying to surprise him, spending hours in the planning of events. But nothing positive came out of it. As if I was trying to please a brick wall.

The lack of physical connection also arrived. Not wanting to do anything, always finding excuses, because of family, lack of energy… I remember looking out the window of the car when arriving at his family’s house, and not being able to stop the tears  from rolling down my cheeks, because I knew it was already over. I held on, tried to make him love me again, but my heart knew. It knew that the one who used to make my heart pound right out off my chest had already drifted far, far away. I took refuge in my own head making myself believe that everything was going to be okay, keeping my mouth shut, putting on a mask with a smiling face drawn on it, in order to flee the truth.

I held on as hard as I could, ignoring what I really wanted, muting my mind. I had become a slave of a lost feeling. And he never said anything. He became so cold, never talking, obsessing over video games and anything which did not involve us being a couple. He knew what he wanted but did not seem to have the courage to set his emotions free. We were two strangers sharing a bed, each at the opposite side.

I finally decided one night to look out for the truth that had been kept quiet for far too long. I found it, and never has something hurt that much. It was the final punch that made my heart shatter into a millions pieces. The man I love had no more consideration for who I was, for what I had built for the both of us, for all the plans I had. For a moment my body was dissociated from my mind, and it let all the rage I held in for so long, burst out in a tornado of violence and hate. I still regret letting myself act so foolishly.

Guilt and remorse gradually arrived. Feeling terrible about what I had done to him, ending an almost two year long relationship, of letting go the one person who knew me inside and out go, knowing he would never look back. Old demons came back, thoughts were flooding, tears were shed, and the person I really  was took a new breath fresh air, after more than a year of oppression. The truth revealed itself and I saw what I’d refuse to see. A relationship built on abuse, lowering my self-esteem in order to never make me leave, numerous hands which were not kept to themselves, a making me the perfect wife, who would devote herself to her husband and her children for the end of time, being unhappy for eternity. And I really wondered what I had done wrong, but I did everything right, I never lied about my feeling, about what I really wanted in life. I always wanted to have a family of my own, a house filled with animals, and a beautiful garden. However all he ever wanted was to make it in his professional life, make money, be the best, to prove that the owed nothing to anyone. That he was able to build a castle for himself, setting aside what his heart once desired, and got. So he was gone, and loneliness felt so painful, every morning waking up alone, not having anyone to bother, not having my best friend by my side. I really thought the pain was never going to stop. But then, he who had always acted so coldly, before and even more after the relationship ended, told me that it was far from being easy for him. These words, as simple as they are, liberated me. They set me free because I now had the confirmation that I hadn’t been wrong, that he in fact did not want me anyone, but that he was going to miss some of what I had given him. I cried because I tried to make him come back, deciding to ignore all the wrongs he’d done before, but he made himself clear, as if he was the one who had to bear the weight of the decision.

“I’m sorry, it’s over. I believe that it’s better for the both of us, and even if it was on a sudden impulse for you, I had already made up my mind”.

I am glad to say that I am a free woman, and I will stand strong. I will never let myself make the same mistake twice. Abuse is never the victim’s fault. If you are unhappy, run, and don’t look back, because no good will ever come out of it. I wish I hadn’t been so blind and naïve, so young and foolish. But this is how we learn to recognise the ones who truly mean to do you good, and the ones who totally change and take pleasure in hurting you for the sake of succeeding in life. No one will ever make it alone in life, we need people and people need us. I’m thankful for the people who helped me see the truth, and sat there, listening to me sob, and watching me unleash my heart from the restraints he had implanted in me. I can say it now, I’m FREE and HAPPY I will be. When beaten down to the ground, you have to remember to always get back up, because life will always get better

 

I would like to apologise to all of my wordpress friends for never responding. I’m really sorry, but I had to prepare for exams, which I passed, and deal with other problems 😛 Now I’m back for good and nothing and no one will keep me from coming back.

Equinoxio21, je dis merde au passé et je souris à la vie. Parce que la vie est trop belle pour être gâchée en passant son temps à être triste, je n’oublierai pas tes mots et tes conseils 😉

 

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Apologies

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This message is addressed to all of the people who have kept sending me kind words during my (very long) absence. Although I may not have replied in due time, each and every single word meant and still means a lot to me. It’s really heart-warming. I’m not planning on coming back for at least another couple of months. But soon, I may come back, if inspiration hits me

Thanks again for the support

Just Amber…

Sudden Realisation

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This morning when I woke up, I felt empty. As if I’d suddenly gotten aware of my situation. Let’s resume it briefly. I have no friends, or not anymore. My best friend, or so I thought he was, left to the other side of the planet. His life is awesome, and I should be happy for him I guess. He’s having the time of his life. He has a ton of friends… and has forgotten me. His departure destroyed me. I only knew him for a couple months but I never thought that I could get attached to someone that quickly. My two other best friends are complete opposites. One has rebelled herself and now lives with her father somewhere in Europe, and hardly gives any news. The other one is actually really near, we live in the same city, and yet I haven’t seen her in over 5 months. She’s completely and utterly in love with this guy. He takes up all her time and I guess it didn’t really bother me until the day I realised that she was gone, I didn’t have my person anymore. However, I have the best boyfriend anyone could ever dream of having, but I only have a limited amount of time left with him until he leaves far far away. He’s so obsessed about his homework and everything, that sometimes I make myself believe that he too has forgotten me. He’s still there, I still see him everyday, but his mind is so distant, and elsewhere. He already lives in his future, making plans for college. That’s also all he talks about. As much as I love him, I can’t take it anymore. When he takes me in his arms, I feel protected and loved, I know he’s there for me. But when he leaves, it’s heart breaking, because I know that one day he’ll be gone for good. He spends hours studying, I can’t be mad at him for it, but I just wish he’d see what I’m becoming now; a miserable person that’s going to be all on her own in September. He once brought me back from a dark dark place. He made me want to live again, shared his dreams with me, and simply showed interest in me. I’ll be eternally grateful to him. But, I guess that traces of this dark place where I came back from are still present inside me, gradually making me feel worse by the day. Sometimes when the emotions are too great for me to bear them on my own, I pick up my phone. Once it’s unlocked, I realise that I have no one to call. That must be one the worst feelings that someone goes through. Having no one to tell you that everything is going to be okay, that after the rain comes a rainbow, or other silly things that somehow help and make you feel better. Some people would simply suggest talking to parents, but that’s not going to happen. My father is since long gone, and my mother is almost never home. She doesn’t come home very late, but once she’s there, she has to hear the complaints of everyone, without anyone ever acknowledging how she’s doing. Having four kids is far from being easy. What makes it even harder is having a husband that sits all day at home and does nothing but admire himself in the mirror after a sport session. You might have guessed it by now, I dislike him, and it has been this way since the day he came into my life. I just can’t let go off the grudge I have against him. He made my father leave, he’s somehow responsible of a divorce, and that, I can’t forgive. If he had tried to become a paternal figure, maybe I’d have accepted him, but no, he did not try. Or at least, I never saw any efforts coming from him. That being said, I can’t consider talking to my parents. I do have siblings, but we’re not the happy family type. Actually, we’re quite the contrary. I never talk to them. I could talk to the one that holds my heart, but he already has so much on his mind right now. It would be unfair to worry him for nothing. After all, depression is not really important is it? After some time, it just becomes a pain to other peoples’ eyes, and all they can tell us is to stop complaining. Of course, there is “THE” solution. Talking to a psychologist, or in my case, a psychiatrist. But even this is a waste of time, especially when you don’t see the point of paying someone to talk about books. Instead of talking to any of them, my mind prefers to tell the rest of the world. Telling my story to people that I know not, and probably don’t care. But this idea helps me. Being able to tell people, without the fear of being judged. Because after all, if I read something I don’t like on the Internet, all I have to do is close the current tab to forget about it. I guess that’s why I started this blog, to know that I’m able to write as much as I want, to know that I have my little place, dedicated to my words. It might sound strange, but writing this down helps a lot. That’s what I love about writing, there are no boundaries, and your imagination can take you anywhere. I have tons more to say, but it might be too much for one day. I guess I must leave you, maybe feeling bad for a stranger, but know that anyone who reads my words already does a lot for me. Because that person gives me a voice, and at the end, it’s all someone can wish for. Sorry for not being present since a couple of months, but, I realised that while time was passing, so did life (and work). I wish you all well and hope you’ll have a great day!

Letting Go

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Aren’t we all a little foolish? Human nature makes us what we are. None of us are perfect. Some people simply aren’t aware of what’s happening around them. One can find it in his heart to forgive. To forgive the worst that a person can do. Why do we forgive? Some of us just can’t hold anything against others. We sometimes get hurt by a person that meant a lot to us. But we found it in our heart to forgive. We found the strength to let go off all the grudges we held against someone. We decided to be the mature one, the one would be held responsible if anything was to happen ever again. But what becomes of us when we find ourselves deceived once more by the one who caused all our past pain? We simply feel bad. We hate ourselves. No one is to blame but us. We are the only ones to be held responsible for our own pain. It reminds us of this past pain we chose to ignore.
You had such an important role in my life. You were the one who was supposed to be there for me. But you weren’t, you never were. I chose to forgive you. It took months of self-healing. Everybody was there, trying to help me through those hard times. You were the cause, and you chose to ignore your acts. I was a disaster. I was lost. I was a wreck. Despite this, I decided to get better. I tried to regain confidence in myself. I eventually did, with the help of the people closest to me. I even found it in my heart to love. I received love from someone whom I’d never expected to have feelings for me. This person was pushed towards me because of all the pain you created. I have to say that I love him very much. He’s there for me, he cares, he’s loving, he’s everything you never were. Notwithstanding his presence, yours was still ever-present. Always there in the back of my mind. Always was I wondering what I had done wrong. You were so deeply rooted onto my mind that you made it impossible for me to forget. I never forgot anything. All your words were still echoing in my head. However he understood, and never said anything. The pain you caused was now shared by him, he accepted it as his own. As I grew greyer, he was doing just the same thing. He eventually occupied all my thoughts for a while. He was the only one whom I thought about. His love felt so refreshing, his words were so gentle and tender. Knowing that he’d be there for me no matter what, gave me a sense of security. A little while after he gave me his heart, I forgave you, but he didn’t. I gradually had the thought of restoring contact between the both of us. By doing this I knew that it wouldn’t please a majority of people. Of course, the one which was the most against this idea, was the one who now shares my life. I waited for him to go on vacation to finally make THE big step. It started with a simple question, harmless in itself. You very quickly answered and took the whole story a step further. In the heat of the action, I hadn’t realised that you had forgotten the whole story. In your mind you weren’t responsible for anything… I know not why you did what you did, but if you’re ever to read those words, you shan’t and won’t be forgiven a second time. I expect nothing from you ever again. You have, for the second time, made a decision concerning the both of us regardless of what I had to say. You’ll never hurt me ever again in any way whatsoever. I’m stronger than I ever was, because I’ve got something that you’ll probably never find. I’ve found the person who makes me feel like deserving. He is the reason of my happiness and laughter. All the tears shed by his side were ones made of joy. I’ll never be able to thank him enough for what he’s done for me. I doubt that you’ll ever be able to love anyone, because selfish and narcissistic people like you always end up alone. Farwell old friend, it wasn’t nice meeting you, but we all make mistakes in life. That’s how we learn and most importantly, that’s how we move on.

I’d like to apologise to all my fellow readers and followers. I wasn’t as present as I should have been these past months. Let’s say that I had to straighten certain things in my life. I have however received all your comments. Some of them brought me to tears, others helped make me stronger. I’d like to thank you all for your support, your patience, your kind words, and your love. It means a lot to me. I’ll try responding to all of you in the next few days.

Lots of love to all of you

Just Amber…

ABC Depressed

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When your mind is drifting off to unknown places, and your heart is sorrowful, you often tend to think that life isn’t worth anything. The reality you live in is distorted from everyone else’s. You can’t seem to think straight, nor see the beauty in life. You tend to see only the bad, letting behind all the rational thoughts of yours. This is how depression made me see life, it revolved around the same feelings and thoughts over and over. It still does, but a little less, because within this life of mine, I found a glimmer of happiness.

Fear. This irrational feeling that something bad might happen in the near future. Often we get scared when we can’t find someone, or have lost a really valuable item. Fear runs us when we hear something as simple as a police siren. When you really think about it, deep down, do we really have a reason no to get scared? Some talk of the fear of the unknown, others about the outcome of tomorrow. This feeling so natural to humankind has skipped a box in my conception. What is the point of being scared when you have finally understood that whatever happens, we all end up in the same place…Your big fear is the fear of “Death”. Death is the final relieve. All your life, you have been destined to die. Should there be a reason to get scared of our ending. People, including myself venerate that final moment, the moment when you will finally able to not be. No more problems, no more screaming at one another. All that will cease.

Suicide. The other easy way to die although it does take guts to let it all go, once and for all. When you can’t hold it back anymore, you just have to let it go, as if you were turning away slamming the door. Just like this you shut down your so-called life. Many of us don’t care, but others do. Those people that you will hurt and the others that will miss you, life will go on for them. They’re missing out on one big point. The past has to stay in the past. What becomes of you when you cannot look at yourself in the mirror anymore? Do we have the obligation to stay just for them? We all could just say that we’re taking a holiday, but life isn’t free. Life isn’t meant for everyone. When you want to get over it, you should. That can seem selfish, but to stay for others is worse.

It’s time to tell the truth, suicide isn’t bad after all. We don’t have trouble dealing with ourselves, so when it comes to others, we all tend to lose it once in a while. Ya sure, you can say that this person is depressed, she might very well be, so what? Depression isn’t a disease. It’s deaths’ little message to human kind, saying that time has come to end. By now you can be sure that this text is a weird point of view, not to say completely idiotic. People need to know what is going on in confused minds. Of course we think of suicide, pain and all these other horrible feelings. We probably need to consult a specialist. But that doesn’t mean you have to push people to talk. When we close up, it is for a reason. Of course, there are always these crazy shitty cases. Never mind them. When we close up, it’s to conserve ourselves, but also to preserve you from an almost certain pain to come.

We change, we stop talking, we stop working. We burry ourselves in dark rooms for days, we stop eating. All those are normal reactions. It is our way to cope with the situation. There might be a more serious problem when we start playing with death. A small bag of pills in the cupboard, or an used blade left somewhere in the bathroom. They are known to be dangerous. They have special indications on them. This is what attracts us like shit flies! Blades cut, pills give overdoses. Once we find them out, there is no going back. Straightforward death or slower and more painful death. It all sums up to it, it being death. There is a reason for us to call them our best friends. They reflect how terribly awful we feel deep down inside. We think of them when all goes wrong, we also tend to think that they will go unknown to others’ eyes.

Blood. A reddish/ blue substance that flows in ALL humans. We are made up of cells that are basically in charge of everything. When we see blood, it means that pain or even death is involved. Blood represents sorrow. The thing that you don’t know is that an incredible number of us appreciate seeing blood flowing out of our systems. Ripping your skin apart as if it was just any random piece of paper. Feeling that peculiar metal cutting tissues as you press it. Then the tiny droplets blood starting to appear of the freshly cut flesh. The blade will help you let go. She reminds you that you still are stuck in this living hell. She will always leave you in control of the situation. She won’t do anything that you won’t force her to perform. She is the idea of the power over life that we all crave. She doesn’t feel, she doesn’t cry, she just is. Once you know that, imagine how you feel when she’s taken away…

One’s Departure

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I hate it, I hate you, I hate everything that surrounds me. Why all this torment? I hate that everything has to be so complicated. Where has the idea of “a perfect world” flown to? There’s just so much to do in so little time. Let’s take people as an example. Actually, that’s the only topic I have. These people that I see everyday, what’s the meaning of their existence? It can sound pretty selfish, but why should I care about them…? I haven’t noticed that they give any attention to me. These so-called relationships don’t really have an importance. You get attached to people just for the sake of being hurt when they are taken away from you. Life is a bitch. “Why the pain and all these other irrational feelings??” I often say to myself.

What is love? “A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.” What is it all supposed to mean? When you love someone, you feel like you have to tell them each and every time you see them. What outcomes when this love you feel towards someone is actually revealing itself to be a harshly cold relationship? You cannot get rid of that person because you need her by your side, but at the same time, the more you stay with them, the more you sink towards depression. It is actually what is called a “love-hate” relationship. You hate the fact that you love this person. She makes you go nuts and makes you see things that you never notice before. I love the fact that I have you in my life, but at the same time, my life is slowly becoming an obsession revolving around you. I think of you every moment of the day. I gradually turn into ashes as the days pass. This love that I feel for you is a never-ending cycle that can’t be slaughtered in any sort of way. But… at the same time, I can’t stop living just for you. As much as I love the idea of death, I can’t simply wait for you every second of the rest of my (miserable) life.

If I turn you away, I will cry as many tears as the Pacific Ocean can handle. It will be worse than anything else I’ve experienced. This pain will follow me everywhere I go. I feel it even when you are still there by my side. You have anchored your roots into my heart. They are buried so deep within me that they have become a part of my soul. When everything goes wrong on your side, I strangely can sense it. You have this power over me that I cannot define. I feel you within me, now now, don’t get all nasty, you know what I mean… This is not the worst part, the fact that you don’t feel the same sensation is what is destroying me. You just don’t have the capacity to know what I’m talking about. This makes me think that I am somewhat uncanny. I feel your pain within every inch of my bones, I share your emotions, and I’ve become the other part of you, the part that you know not of. The fact that you don’t have the capacity to feel this “deathly bond” makes me feel so secluded. I’m put on the side, and you don’t often notice me. Bloody hell, I’ll say it, you have wounded me with a bullet that cannot be removed. This “pain” that you cause me is constant. At night, I cry for hours because I cannot explain this thing. You are killing me, and I’m killing myself simultaneously. I will end up dead in any circumstances but do I deserve to be alone in this venture? My heart hurts, it’s so heavy and sorrowful at the same time. It’s a burden; I want it out of me so bad. Without it I can’t live, but with you inside it I can’t either. Is there really no escape ground?

As I think of your departure, I can’t stop myself from bursting into tears. Everything that relates me to you ends up in pain. I even opened that link that you sent me once; it said that I wrote like David Foster Wallace. Guess what… he killed himself. Is that really my destiny? I know that I talk about it literally all the time, but there has to be a reason. To feel that constant pain has to have a kind of meaning. And I know that some people will say that I’m in love with you, as simple a reason as that, but I’m not. I love you but I’m not in love with you. Since I know you there has been moments when I nearly thanked God for your presence, but there has been other moments when I was sitting on my bed, alone, ready to cut open my veins. The blade was in my hands ready to just perform its job. Tears, tears, tears and always more tears. You’re gonna leave! I’d do anything to prevent myself from leaving you behind. You just won’t do the same. In my life you’ll always come first, but in yours you will also come first. Nowhere am I mentioned. Believe me when I say that I’ll be here no matter what. I’d kill myself anytime just to make sure you’re safe and happy. I just wish you’d do the same

Nobody’s Eternal (Unedited)

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Nobody’s eternal. But how can some be more noticed than others? This is a question that keeps on screaming in my mind. What will happen if I die… Who will notice, who will be there to cry. I guess that time will tell. All those people that crossed my life, will they be sad, or will they just live on like nothing ever happened. I keep asking these questions, but no one ever seems to find an answer. I surely wouldn’t mind trying to check it out for myself, but it’s a one-way road. When I leave, I will hurt people. People that I love, people that I appreciate. How can you live with yourself knowing that the day will come when you’ll simply cease being…

Being 16 I should be outside, hanging with friends. Just like any other teenager. But no, I’m inside, locked in this bubble I’ve made for myself. No one can enter, nor can I come out. It’s a trap. A deathly trap. There is no purpose to my existence? I might as well be dead, that the world would not stop turning as it always has. I’ve made countless numbers of mistakes. If I were normal, I’d feel guilty, but no. Harming people including myself. Cutting is not a passion, it’s a lifestyle. You can’t begin to understand. Feeling nothing at all. And if by chance I get to feel something, it’s only sore and hateful. Never can I see the happiness that others talk so often about. One day someone told me to take example on him: to shut down emotionally. I did. Where has this brought me to? Nowhere. I barely speak to anyone, and if I do, only hate comes out. Bursting out like a rainbow from a unicorns’ ass.

They don’t understand. They never have and never will. I’m bound to live with the burden of knowing that, if I share what I feel, people will run. They’ll run so far, that they might lose themselves. People have always fled away from me. I hate them, but I also love them. Feelings have become complete strangers to me. I don’t understand them anymore. And worst of all, I don’t feel them. I know that they are somewhere in my brain, but nowhere to be found in my heart. No pain, no love, no joy… I like to think that makes me different, I don’t need anything anymore. What is the point to live, when you can’t get anything out of it? I do feel lonely. But that is just the result of the monster growing, slowly in me, and killing me at the same time.

That monster has no name. It’s a darkness that talks to me none-stop. He is pure evil. But nevertheless, I would want to give him up. He’s part of me. There is a way to calm its rage. I found his complete opposite. This opposite is full of light and joy, even though inside, he’s as hurt as me. Never do you want to leave him. You just feel so comfy and safe in his presence. But, of course, as everyone else, he’s slowly driving away f without a chance of catching him back. He fixed me for a moment, and as his life got better, mine got worse. We are to separate bodies with the same soul. We sometimes feel this great bond.

One day if I have the courage, I’ll write a book about this devil eating me: because I cannot be the only one feeling it. I will probably let it win me over in a very short period of time, but I will use the experience to save others. I’m weak, but I’ll make sure that others find the power to burn that devil off!

The more I think about it, the more I remember. He first showed the top of his nose in 2012. Life had a great surprise for me. I fell in love with a guy. The first weeks were almost perfect, except for the fact that I didn’t know then, how I felt about him. It was a great friendship. I remember being in his arms laughing, and hugging. I felt so happy. Thought this would last at least for a full-on year? How could I be so wrong??? Soon people started to notice this growing friendship between the two of us. I guess that envy caught up with quite a number of people. It was a silent war. I saw nothing coming. Of course I did have other friends, but none as close as him. Some girls fell in love with him, that didn’t awake anything in me. They were younger and so inoffensive. As the time passed I stared to feel threatened by one. I hated her, but kept I quiet. She was so much smaller. Everything started to fall apart the moment one of my elder friends went to him, and explained how this younger student felt about him, and how hurt she was that he did not respond? He started to give a shit about her after that. It all gets quite blurry. The moment he understood that I had sincere feelings, he backed out. I remember this exact moment. We were all outside waiting for the bus to bring us back to the boarding houses. It was pretty chilly. We were teasing each other, as we always did. But this day was different. My eyes sparkled when I was with him. He saw it, and his were doing the same. We weren’t so far from a mid-high wall. As we got closer to it, we also got closer to each other.

There it was, the moment that I wanted. We were against each other, I was in his arms. He was holding me tight. We were looking right at the very bottom of each others’ eyes. One of his legs was between mine. People were staring, but it didn’t bother either of us. My best friend included, I heard later on the joy that she felt seeing the both of us. Our faces were almost touching. Somehow the world had stopped. There was nothing mattering anymore. He was about place his lips on mine. But…in a matter of seconds, he seemed to have heard something: I guess later on that it was one of his friends. He turned his head away. He left me like this. I knew that he wanted to stay, but somehow pride took over our precious moment. He turned away. He regained his bag. I heard his friends telling him what a huge mistake he was about to make. I thought nothing of it all. I joined my friends too. My best friend was there, literally jumping up and down.

I wish I knew what awaited me. He turned his back on me. He ended up dating that slutty chick. That’s what I thought, but she was in fact adorable. She felt so bad knowing that she had taken him away from me forever. We ended up being good friends. Even though, inside I felt this sorrow. She knew, she knew, she knew, so how could she. Love is blind, but pain gives it its sight back.

My devil appeared for the first time right about there. I couldn’t understand. What had I done?!? I kept on trying to appear normal to others. When I got home, there, I cried my heart out. Weeks went by. This relation was slowly fading away. We couldn’t just stay friends, so we picked up fights whenever we could. It was the last week of April, just before spring official come back. As I was lying down on the apartments’ couch my darkness reached me. With my feet in the sky, I cried for no reason. It was a silent cry, no one could hear. I called my best friend because I felt so helpless. She did not answer. A bell rang in my brain. I walked towards the bathroom, checked out my sister’ make-up bag. There, I found what I was looking for. A pair of scissors. I went to the kitchen to sharpen them as much as possible. I rushed to the bedroom. I sat down and looked, for what seemed like eternity, at my left arm. A single tear ran down my cheek. I caught my arm with both my feet. It was as stretched as it could be. My right arm started wacking the other one with the sharp blade. Blood ran down. Somehow, it felt good. So I started over and over again. Until there was no more space to carve anymore scars. This very moment was the beginning of a dangerous addiction.

Back in school, it did not last long until people heard what had happened. Unfortunately, he heard it too. No one knew the cause, but inside, when he saw me, he understood that had destroyed me. I was the guilt in his eyes. Rumours went around, saying, that it was in fact a suicide attempt. The cause was all too easy to guess. Another broken heart.

Every time I felt sad, my new blade friend was there to solve all problems. It miraculously passed by my familys’ eyes. There wasn’t a person not knowing. All adults seemed to have too many problems of their own, to see childrens’. I have a “kind of gift”: my skin doesn’t mark. I had scars for a few weeks, but as the weeks passed by, the old ones disappeared, and new ones took their spots, without arising anyones’ attention. Soon enough, they disappeared to the unknowings’ eyes. They were still there, reflecting that sweet sensation that ruined me. With those scars came a cost full price, he never spoke directly to me ever again. As he was taken away from me, a part of my heart was left in his palms. He crushed me.

I wanted to cry for hours. I actually did as we hit the years’ end. Last day of school, everyone crying and/or sad, and… He is nowhere to be found. I kept myself from tearing up. He wasn’t there, how could this be. I felt that sudden pain inside, knowing that I’d never see him again. I stood there, with my friends, and I suddenly realised that my life was over. By some miraculous way, I got to spend a full on year by myself, free from any family obligations. The worse part, was knowing that I was going to be chained, after being loosened up. How could I tell them, that all the love they had received from me was the only thing left from this little girl they knew.

My monster calmed down. Did not hear from it during the whole summer. The days went by and no one noticed the traces on my arm. Everything was very enjoyable, even though I was destined to abandon my friends. As we hit mid-August, I showed up again. We flew back to “Africas’ Arse”. As I set foot on solid ground, and waited for the luggage to arrive, I could not contain myself anymore. I burst into tears. My whole world was washed away, the people, the places. I was lost. I had not friends awaiting me. I was all alone. It took me only a month to be completely and utterly miserable. I heard that I had failed my entry exam, which meant that all the work I’d done, was useless. How happy could the devil be at this very moment!?! A broken heart, and a dead soul. All in one. My anger crashed out. I could not contain myself anymore? I wanted to die. The monster heard it all right.

I was sitting in this so called “room” of mine, and couldn’t find any more reason to my existence. I’ wasted a full year for nothing. Sadness wrapped me. I cried for hours never telling anyone how hollow I felt. I remember looking at the white walls. Couldn’t figure out if it was a nice colour. This voice inside my head kept on turning down any hopes of happiness. Out of despair, I took a few steps towards the bathroom. There was the “pill box”. I had strong stuff from when I had surgery. In an odd way, I remembered the doses that caused death. I brought everything back to my room. I started to get the pills out, one by one. Tears ran out. There was in total 12 doliprane 500mg. My whole body was trembling, it was fear mixed to anger. How could someone feel so empty inside? What was my purpose? I couldn’t seem to find any answer. I put them in a tissue. I resolved myself to throw them away.

It was only until few seconds after, that I remembered the fight I had with my mother. I wanted to die, and all she was doing, even though she did not notice, she was pushing me down. This was it, I couldn’t take it anymore. Without any second thought, I took all 12 pills, and swallowed them. What had I done? I was scared, I did not know what to do. Panic seized me. I ran to the toilet, and try to get everything out of my system. Impossible, my stomach was empty. I was going to die. I felt my heart bounding so hard. We could see it. I was trembling. I was finally over. It was supposedly a matter of minutes until the pills operated their magic.

How could I be so dumb? What the hell had I done… I was going to die, and there was no message to be left behind. No one would truly know why I had left. Sweat drops were dripping off my forehead. It was done, no way back. I somehow managed to fall asleep, but would it be forever, that was the big question.

It was a dreamless night. I opened my eyes in the dark. I couldn’t see anything, turned the light on, still saw nothing. That was it, that’s what death was all about. I couldn’t breath properly. I tried crying, but it was impossible. I bit my lips, and still nothing came out. My world was fading away. Death was playing with my mind. Darkness was all around. I heard a noise afar. I could quite tell what it was. I was coming closer. There, it was a phone. Opened my eyes, and to my surprise, I could see. What in the World had happened??

I experienced death. That was what it was. Somehow, somewhere, someone declared that my time was there yet. The forces of the underworld did not want my soul. I wanted to shout: “I’m a survivor”. Many had died for less, and I, miraculously was alive. My demon quickly enough, caught up with my reality. It was the day my life ceased being what it was; I was going to repeat 10th grade. Gods were making fun of me. It was only painfully that I dragged myself to school.

I lived day by day, besides this void. What was the purpose?