It’s funny how just one human being can change your perception of the world. You can feel as light as a feather, as if the world could not keep any secrets from you. As if you were invincible. I believe that this is called the power of love. A force beyond explanation. However, not enough people talk about the evolution of love over the years.
At first it’s so magical, the feeling of having butterflies in the tummy and at the same time wanting to throw up because of the overload of emotion. Then comes the first kiss. This seems to stop time and just take away any parasitic thoughts. The first time you share your body with someone else’s. It’s funny how something that can make you feel so insecure at first can be at the same time the cure to daily problems.
Love is an illusion. The feeling of love is however fleeting. It always rubs off. But what then? Routine comes in. A morning hug, a goodbye kiss, another kiss to say good evening and it endlessly. The magic dissipates after a certain period of time and this is the point where we get to see what being in a relationship really involves. It’s more of a commitment rather than anything else. You now are part of an intimacy that involves more than just you. You have to make concessions, have to accept things that truly irritate you for the sake of love and mostly, not to start another fight which will use you.
I was given the chance to be loved. I had a beautiful relationship that I thought was never going to end. It was truly beautiful. The first year was all I could ever wish for. But then, distance. How could anyone bare the thought of having his or her loved one more than 4000 kilometres away? It wasn’t an option but doubt started to settle in. And it was at that moment we entered a spiral that led us to choose separate pathways. He had to continue his studies back home while I had to stay abroad to start and finish my senior year. And to be honest, my relationship ruined the year for me. Always waiting for the other one to come out of class to be able to talk a little, before going back to work. This is when I lost myself, and the person I really was. I started living for someone else, never thinking about what I really wanted. Cancelling events because of a Skype session, or just finding a lapse of time to try to reconnect. Looking back I can see that I was truly unhappy, holding onto the beautiful memory of a past love. However, from august to july we held on. It was like holding onto a rotten rope, which was meant to rupture at anytime.
There I saw what the person I loved had really become. A really selfish person. While I put his needs and desires before mine, he put his studies before us. And it was unbearable never to be able to talk about it in fear of having another fight explode. Then came the problem of families not wanting us to share a home, as we’d always intended to. I was ready to give anything up to stay with him, to be his wife, to carry his children. But he just wouldn’t do the same. He could only plan a day at a time, never wanting to commit to anything. I did try my very best to make him happy, trying to surprise him, spending hours in the planning of events. But nothing positive came out of it. As if I was trying to please a brick wall.
The lack of physical connection also arrived. Not wanting to do anything, always finding excuses, because of family, lack of energy… I remember looking out the window of the car when arriving at his family’s house, and not being able to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, because I knew it was already over. I held on, tried to make him love me again, but my heart knew. It knew that the one who used to make my heart pound right out off my chest had already drifted far, far away. I took refuge in my own head making myself believe that everything was going to be okay, keeping my mouth shut, putting on a mask with a smiling face drawn on it, in order to flee the truth.
I held on as hard as I could, ignoring what I really wanted, muting my mind. I had become a slave of a lost feeling. And he never said anything. He became so cold, never talking, obsessing over video games and anything which did not involve us being a couple. He knew what he wanted but did not seem to have the courage to set his emotions free. We were two strangers sharing a bed, each at the opposite side.
I finally decided one night to look out for the truth that had been kept quiet for far too long. I found it, and never has something hurt that much. It was the final punch that made my heart shatter into a millions pieces. The man I love had no more consideration for who I was, for what I had built for the both of us, for all the plans I had. For a moment my body was dissociated from my mind, and it let all the rage I held in for so long, burst out in a tornado of violence and hate. I still regret letting myself act so foolishly.
Guilt and remorse gradually arrived. Feeling terrible about what I had done to him, ending an almost two year long relationship, of letting go the one person who knew me inside and out go, knowing he would never look back. Old demons came back, thoughts were flooding, tears were shed, and the person I really was took a new breath fresh air, after more than a year of oppression. The truth revealed itself and I saw what I’d refuse to see. A relationship built on abuse, lowering my self-esteem in order to never make me leave, numerous hands which were not kept to themselves, a making me the perfect wife, who would devote herself to her husband and her children for the end of time, being unhappy for eternity. And I really wondered what I had done wrong, but I did everything right, I never lied about my feeling, about what I really wanted in life. I always wanted to have a family of my own, a house filled with animals, and a beautiful garden. However all he ever wanted was to make it in his professional life, make money, be the best, to prove that the owed nothing to anyone. That he was able to build a castle for himself, setting aside what his heart once desired, and got. So he was gone, and loneliness felt so painful, every morning waking up alone, not having anyone to bother, not having my best friend by my side. I really thought the pain was never going to stop. But then, he who had always acted so coldly, before and even more after the relationship ended, told me that it was far from being easy for him. These words, as simple as they are, liberated me. They set me free because I now had the confirmation that I hadn’t been wrong, that he in fact did not want me anyone, but that he was going to miss some of what I had given him. I cried because I tried to make him come back, deciding to ignore all the wrongs he’d done before, but he made himself clear, as if he was the one who had to bear the weight of the decision.
“I’m sorry, it’s over. I believe that it’s better for the both of us, and even if it was on a sudden impulse for you, I had already made up my mind”.
I am glad to say that I am a free woman, and I will stand strong. I will never let myself make the same mistake twice. Abuse is never the victim’s fault. If you are unhappy, run, and don’t look back, because no good will ever come out of it. I wish I hadn’t been so blind and naïve, so young and foolish. But this is how we learn to recognise the ones who truly mean to do you good, and the ones who totally change and take pleasure in hurting you for the sake of succeeding in life. No one will ever make it alone in life, we need people and people need us. I’m thankful for the people who helped me see the truth, and sat there, listening to me sob, and watching me unleash my heart from the restraints he had implanted in me. I can say it now, I’m FREE and HAPPY I will be. When beaten down to the ground, you have to remember to always get back up, because life will always get better
I would like to apologise to all of my wordpress friends for never responding. I’m really sorry, but I had to prepare for exams, which I passed, and deal with other problems 😛 Now I’m back for good and nothing and no one will keep me from coming back.
Equinoxio21, je dis merde au passé et je souris à la vie. Parce que la vie est trop belle pour être gâchée en passant son temps à être triste, je n’oublierai pas tes mots et tes conseils 😉